


Self Reflect

by fakingg_sanity



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Arguing, Drinking, Episode: s02e04 Meat, Excessive Drinking, Gen, M/M, Post-Episode: s02e04 Meat, Smoking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-21
Updated: 2018-10-23
Packaged: 2019-08-05 09:33:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16365332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fakingg_sanity/pseuds/fakingg_sanity
Summary: After the events of of Series 2 Episode 4 'Meat', Ianto is having some pretty conflicted feelings, although probably not for the reasons some might assume. He and Owen have it out, Jack is confused and team Torchwood deals with things the only way it knows how to, with copious amounts of alcohol and chatting shit about their boss.- USERNAME FORMALLY 'TheOnlyOrigamiDinosaurLeft' -





	1. Chapter 1

Ianto ignored the chill that ran through him as a sharp wind whipped up around the bay, he’d left his coat in the tourist office which, even though it wasn’t that far away, he wasn’t ready to return to. Not yet. The railings he was leaning against were cold, he needed something to warm him up, and short of a bottle of whiskey, one thing sprang to mind. He reached around into his jacket and pulled out a half empty packet of cigarettes. The action of pulling one out, placing it between his lips and lighting it was familiar, comforting even… He exhaled heavily has the first bout of smoke made its way through his system, and out of his mouth. The door to the tourist centre opened, Ianto didn’t look and didn’t care who was coming to yell at him. It’d been one of those days. 

Gwen had left hours earlier, her little show hanging around his mind, replaying and recreating itself in his head. Every time he heard her words they stung a little more, he tried not to think too much into his reaction. You all think it’s cold and lonely out there, but it isn’t for me because I have him! He matters… Ianto scoffed as a pair of hands clasped together on the railing next to him. Maybe the world was cold and lonely, he certainly didn’t need a dressing down from Cardiff’s biggest prat. 

“So… come here often?”

Ianto gave Owen a harsh sideways glance, the Doctor was grinning, it looked false though… and bitter. 

“If you’re looking to pick someone up, you’re barking up so many wrong trees…” 

He brought the cigarette to his lips, savouring the taste and breathing in deep. Perhaps putting on a bit of a show for Owen’s sake, just to make his skin crawl. 

“Har-bloody-har.” Owen wasn’t laughing. He sneered at the cigarette. “You shouldn’t do that you know.”

Ianto pretended to be shocked.

“Oh really? Thank you, Dr Information. I had no idea. ‘Smoking’s bad for you’, you should copyright that before someone beats you to it.”

He stared out to the sea, more angry words getting ready to bubble up, his frustration from the whole day finally surfacing. They both watched the white, toxic smoke brush lazily from Ianto lips and into the air, dancing in circles with the wind and eventually dissipating into nothingness. 

“Are you okay?” Owen’s tone was surprisingly soft. “You never did let me check you over.”

“I’m fine.” Ianto pushed out through gutted teeth. “Nothing a large glass of scotch won’t fix.”

Owen straightened up and tucked his hands into his pockets, eyes still trained on the water, gently lapping against the board walk.  
“Come downstairs then, so I can prescribe it.” Ianto looked back at him, an eyebrow raised. “And okay fine, I need to give you an actual check over. Jack wont let me leave until you do.”

Ianto turned back to the water with scoff. 

“What does he care? Thought he was still staring dreamily at the CCTV monitor.”

“Ah…” Owen sighed. “There it is.”

“There what is?” Ianto pushed himself back and flicked the finished cigarette onto the ground. He turned on Owen. 

“We’re all pissed off at her Ianto, and we’re all pissed off at Jack. Though I expect you for slightly different reasons than me and Tosh.”

Ianto frowned, turned on the spot, then pulled out another cigarette. Owen basically growled. 

“Ianto-”

“Piss off, Owen. It’s none of your business.”

“Your health is actually exactly my business. I’m team doctor, I’m essentially your GP.”

“Well that makes sense then, seeing as GPs around here are notoriously shit!” 

He spat out that last word, beginning to pace back and forth on himself. He grasped the cigarette like a life line, the only thing between him and completely losing it. 

“You know what, fuck you Ianto. Can’t you see I’m fucking trying out here? You think I wanna be freezing my arse off out here with you when I could be downstairs getting work done or down the pub drinking till I’m blind? If you hadn’t noticed, I don’t exactly suit the ‘caring doctor’ routine but I’m fucking trying! So if you want to be a prick then be a prick. I don’t care! I don’t care if you have a broken rib or robe burns or fuck it! A great big alien parasite living inside your forehead, you wanna be ‘Mr broody and overdramatic’ Have at it. I’m done.”

Owen turned on his heel and started back towards the tourist office. Before he made it through Ianto started to shout back. 

“Well I never asked you to come out here! I’m not the weak little teaboy you all think I am! I don’t need a babysitter, I don’t need someone to tell me to stop smoking,” Owen turned back around and started marching towards Ianto. “And I certainly don’t need you out here pretending to care when we all know you’re just doing whatever Jack says so you can go home.”

The punch in the face was unexpected. But when Ianto thought about it, it really shouldn’t have been. The cigarette was knocked straight out of his hand and onto the floor. Owen shook his hand out as Ianto drew back to full height, his fingers gingerly probing his now busted lip. 

Owen spoke, in clipped, measured sentences. 

“I don’t just do what Jack tells me. He might be my boss but we’re all capable of thinking for ourselves. Even you.” Ianto looked up at that, finally meeting Owen’s eyes. “I know you don’t need looking after, and I’m not your babysitter. I’m your doctor, and your friend. And I know that what just happened downstairs really fucked with me, so I can only imagine you’re feeling the same.”

Ianto inclined his head in a subtle gesture of agreement. 

“So, come downstairs, let me have a look at that face, and the rest of you.” Ianto huffed out a laugh. “Then we can go to the pub and get utterly paralytic. Tosh has offered to be driver. Sound good?”

Ianto’s shoulders sagged and he nodded. He followed Owen back towards the tourist office with a grim face. 

“And you really should quit smoking.”

Ianto sighed. 

“Fuck off, Owen.”

_

The autopsy table was deeply uncomfortable. The cold seeping through his suit trousers and chilling him to the bone. His shirt and jacket were hung over the railings to the side while Owen prodded and inspected his side. After a few minutes and a bit of poking, he deemed Ianto mostly okay. Bit of a cracked rib and a few bruises, plus a lovely set of rope burns and the obvious punch in the face. Owen snapped his gloved off after applying a healing ointment (alien of course) around some of the more painful areas. 

“That should do it. Take it easy for a few days. No running, jumping, shagging…”

He gave Ianto a pointed look, the younger man simply rolled his eyes and hopped off the table.

“That shouldn’t be a problem.”

Ianto grabbed his shirt and pulled it over his arms and shoulders, not yet bothering to button it up. 

“No?”

Ianto and Owen both looked up as a new voice entered the room. Jack was stood in the archway above the autopsy room, looking more than a little bit pissed off. But his expression had something else as well. Ianto couldn’t tell what. 

“Ianto, my office.”

Jack turned on his heal and walked out of sight. Ianto looked back at Owen, who shrugged. 

“Don’t take too long, I really need a drink.”

“Me too. Clean up here, I’ll be ready to go by the time you’re done.”

He walked up the stairs and into Jack’s office where Jack was sat, behind his desk, drinking from a large glass. 

“Sit.”

“I’d rather stand, sir.”

Jack looked up sharply.

“So what’s the word from Owen?”

Ianto looked down at himself, his shirt still partially undone, the dark bruises showing through the white fabric. 

“I’ll live. Bit of bruising, cracked rib. Nothing to worry about.”

“And your face?” Ianto’s hand immediately went to his mouth, were a slow bruise was starting to come up. “I’m sure that wasn’t there earlier. When you and Owen came back from upstairs….”

“You know Owen, sir, bit of punch here and there to take the edge off. Perhaps we should invest in a punching bag…”

“Did he hurt you?”

“I can more than handle myself when it comes to Owen, Sir.”

“I know.”

“So what’s the problem?”

Jack sighed and put his head in his hands. 

“You’re deflecting.”

“Sir?”

“Stop calling me ‘Sir’, I’m not your boss right now.”

“Then who are you?”

Jack stood up and walked around the desk. He stood in front of Ianto who, mercifully, did not pull back straight away. 

“Someone who’s worried about you.”

Ianto did pull back at that, scoffing.

“Oh come on Jack, we all know you’re feeling a little tender because of what just happened with Gwen. Just don’t project onto me okay? I don’t need it.”

Jack looked suitable confused at that. 

“Wha-? I’m not.. What?”

“Listen Jack, I’m really not in the mood tonight. I’m going to the pub with Owen and Tosh. I’ll be back tomorrow morning. Just have a think alright? Actually think about today, and maybe you’ll understand where we’re all coming from.”

Ianto was out the door before Jack could come up with anything to say. The sound of the alarm and the mechanical click as the cog door rolled shut let Jack knew he was alone and he actually say back and started to think.

_

It took around 3 rounds for Ianto to start to relax. Owen came back to the table with another large white wine for Tosh and two pints for him and Ianto. They’d quickly ditched Tosh as designated driver, deciding they’d all share a cab back, because fuck it if they didn’t all need to be pissed right now. Tosh thanked him and immedicably started on her wine. They continued the conversation where they’d left off before Owen had gone for the next round. 

“And doesn’t it piss you off how she can do no wrong in his eyes? How long has she been at Torchwood, 11 months? How long have I been at Torchwood? 4 and a half years! You two, 3+ years, Jack, god knows… well over 100… I’m just so sick of everyone thinking she knows best!”

Tosh was rarely so vocal, but with most of a bottle of wine in her, she was more than happy to tell her usually reserved opinions. Owen was nodding along feverously. 

“I mean, things would be so much easier if they’d just shagged right back at the beginning, got all that sexual tension out, you know.”

Tosh looked horrified, she turned to Ianto, expecting to see her own disgust reflected back. Instead he was nodding and smiling slightly. 

“Owen…”

“What, Tosh? Its true. Right Ianto?”

Ianto took a long drink while nodding. 

“Absolutely. Don’t get me wrong, its grim to think about but at the minute they have so much….” He made some waving hand gestures “tension… Which wouldn’t be knocking about if they’d just…”

“Shagged.” Owen finished for him. 

“Exactly. And obviously they won’t now. Gwen is engaged and Jack…” Ianto tapered off, not really knowing how to finish his sentence. 

“Is preoccupied elsewhere…” Tosh delicately added. 

Owen laughed into his beer. 

“Don’t know where the elsewhere is in your head Tosh, but he’s right here.” Owen slapped Ianto on the back. “Let’s just get real, we’re all soused as it is. Jack and Gwen would never happen these days because of Gwen and Rhys, and Jack and Ianto.”

Ianto held up his hands and leaned back in his chair. 

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. There is no ‘Jack and Ianto’. It’s not like that.”

“Like what?” Tosh asked, leaning forward on the table. 

“Like…” Ianto was flapping his hands, like he was trying to grab the right descriptive words straight out of the air. “Like… Gwen and Rhys. Don’t lump us in with them.”

He looked genuinely disgusted at that. Tosh and Owen shared a look. 

“So what is it then?” Owen was genuinely curious, they’d never got this far with Ianto about Jack before. He’d always begged off long before they got anywhere near that topic. 

“It’s… fun… It’s… not that complicated and really why are we talking about this?” 

It all came out in a big rush, much to the amusement of Owen and Tosh. 

“Do you want it to be? Like Gwen and Rhys?”

Ianto gave Tosh an exasperated look. 

“No Tosh, I really don’t. I like how things are. So we spend the night at the hub, or at my flat, or go get dinner if the rift is quiet. But there’s no expectation. No stress, no heartbreak, no jealousy. No relationship. Its great, exactly what I need.”

“Then how come you’re so pissed today?” Both Tosh and Owen were floored by Ianto’s words, for some reason both of them had always assumed that Ianto would have been the one yearning for more with Jack. Always asking more of the older man who was famously opposed to labels.

“I’m pissed because he was unprofessional and irrational. He let Gwen get under his skin and now we have another rift in the team. And I’m not sure how easy this one is going to be to move on from. Not personally for me, because I’ve always known about their strange feelings towards one another. Owen’s right it’s just sexual tension, and the way it manifests is through frustration and shouting matches.”

“And it doesn’t bother you? You’re not jealous?”

Ianto shrugged. 

“Tell me Owen, what do I have to be jealous of? Is Jack sleeping with Gwen? No. Even if he was, would it really matter? Also no. Because I’m happy with things as they stand with Jack, and, not to be crass, but at the end of the day it’s my bed he’s in and we’re certainly not spooning like some aging married couple.”

Tosh and Owen looked at each other, both mildly shocked at all the revelations from the past hour. 

“That might be the longest run of sentences I’ve ever heard you put together.”

“It’s your fault, you got me drunk.”

The tension broke after that, and the 3 of them went on discussing Jack and Gwen, and Jack and Ianto, and torchwood and all the little things they hate about working with an enigmatic time traveller from thousands of years in the future. 

What did they didn’t see in their merriment, was the slouched figure sitting at the bar with his back to them. The tell-tale greatcoat hanging in the cloakroom, leaving him invisible to his friends. He heard everything, and it made him sick to his stomach.


	2. Epilogue

It took 4 tries for Ianto to get into his flat. When he eventually managed it, the door swung open with such force be practically fell in. It was late, well past the usual time he normally liked to stay out, especially on a work night. But he, Tosh and Owen had had so much fun that night. They’d talked about everything from Jack and Gwen, Torchwood antics and their favourite aliens, all the way to the best sexual positions with same sex and different partners (all of them having swung that way at least once in their lives) and would any of them ever settle down. At around 3am, Owen had tried it on with some random blond girl and ended up getting punched in the jaw, so Ianto took charge and suggested they get their cabs home. 

Ianto stumbled through the hall and into the living room, half elbowing the door that connected them. He instinctively moved his hand to the left to flick the light switch on, only to pause as to his surprise, the lights were already on. He shook his head, sure he’d turned them off when he’d left that morning. He cursed himself for not having his gun, not that he’d be able to shoot it straight anyway… He heard a sound from the kitchen and edged his way towards the archway that led into the small, yet functional space. He deflated almost immediately when he caught sight of the somewhat dispirited man sat at his kitchen island. 

“Jack?” Ianto half hissed. “What the hell are you doing here? You scared the hell out of me!”

Jack looked up, he looked thoroughly defeated. 

“You took your time.”

He had a small glass of scotch on the counter next to him. 

“I wasn’t aware I had a curfew to adhere to.” Ianto made his way to the sink and filled a large glass up with water, needing both something to do with his hands, and something to settle his stomach. “I see you found my liqueur stash, and broke into my flat. What’s all that about then cus I’m really not in the mood for sex?” 

He leaned back on the sink and crossed his hands over his chest, staring at Jack's back. After the whole evening, the whole week to be honest, Ianto was feeling a bit unsteady on his feet, especially after the amount of alcohol he had consumed with the others. 

“I came to the pub.”

“What?”

“I was at the pub. I came by earlier. Bought a drink, was gonna come over and surprise you guys.”

Ianto’s eyes slipped closed, he knew what was coming. 

“And you were all saying… these things…” Jack whirled around in his chair, pointed a finger at Ianto’s chest. “You said….” 

Ianto pushed himself off the sink and walked out of the kitchen, he grabbed Jack’s scotch on his way out and downed it in one. Behind him he heard Jack get up and follow him into the living room. 

“What do you want me to say Jack?! We were all, are still, exceedingly pissed off at you. Forgive us if we wanted to come to the pub and blow off some steam.”

“And bitch about me apparently.”

Ianto hated the way Jack’s voice sounded…. It was so broken, so hopeless, so… pathetic. 

“Oh, grow up Jack.” Ianto flopped down on the sofa and ran his hands through his hair angrily. He knew he’d never be so harsh with the other man if he wasn’t so drunk. He hated Jack for ruining his night, he hated Jack for breaking into his flat and drinking his scotch and looking so broken and being so wrong….

“What’s that supposed to mean?!”

“It means that we’re allowed to be pissed at you. Actually, I think we are more than justified to be pissed off at you."

Jack stuttered, a vile sneer coming onto his face. The older man had clearly had something to drink, more than he usually did. 

“You have no idea how hard it is to make those decisions, why does no one fucking trust me!?” He threw his hands up and marched back into the kitchen. He grabbed the bottle of scotch and brought it back out, drinking straight from the neck. 

“We trust you Jack, obviously, we trust you with our fucking lives. No one is questioning your integrity in the field,” Ianto stood and paced over to Jack. “No one is saying you aren’t a good leader. Cus you are. We’re not pissed cus you botched the mission, it was a tricky situation and we dealt with it as best we could.”

“Then why are you so pissed?” Jack’s voice was still raised enough to piss Ianto off all over again.

“Because of Gwen!” Ianto shouted. It was something he rarely did. It clearly took Jack by surprise. He stepped back, shaking his head. 

“Gwen?”

Ianto spun on his heal and threw his hands up in frustration, not believing Jack could be so thick. 

“Because you let Gwen undermine you, yet a-fucking-gain. You let her walk all over you, let her insult us as a team, didn’t reprimand her then let her get away with fragrantly breaking company policy. Policies that I know you put in place a long time ago to protect people. So forgive us, Jack, if we were a bit fucking angry, cus we don’t like seeing our boss practically neutered like that.” Ianto sagged he dropped down onto the sofa again, his head between his hands. “And the worst part is that nothing will come of it. We’ll all come back tomorrow morning and get back to work. And Gwen will come back whenever she’s good and ready and things will be exactly the same.”

He looked up at Jack, who was staring at Ianto with an open mouth. 

“We all work really hard you know, we do our jobs every day and we don’t expect a pat on the back or a lolly pop or whatever. We do it to help people and sometimes… sometimes just surviving is enough. What’s not okay is that Gwen gets all of that. She gets the special treatment, the praise when all of us have done something together. She gets credit for leading the team while you were away, when we all know that it was all of us, working as hard as each other. Its just…. Exhausting. And to be honest not that much of an issue. Until situations like today pop up. And its suddenly a lot harder to ignore.”

Ianto went silent, his head dropping once again. Jack dumbly shuffled over to the sofa and dropped next to Ianto. 

“I heard what you said at the bar. I guess I just assumed you were bad mouthing us for the mission, for how it all went down. I also heard…”

Jack trailed off, so Ianto lifted his head to meet his eyes. 

“Go on.”

“You think I should have shagged Gwen?”

Ianto huffed out a laugh but didn’t say anything in reply. So Jack continued, placing a hand on Ianto’s leg. 

“You know that’s not what I want right? I know we have this weird tension, but I think it has more to do with powerful and conflicting personalities, rather than some unresolved sexual tension…" Jack took a deep steadying breath. "Tonight we’ve talked a lot about the team, about what you all think of me. But… you’re different. God. I heard what you said about us.”

Ianto pulled away from Jack and stood up again. 

“So you really were eavesdropping then.”

“it was hard not to! You we’re talking about me! I really was going to come over, but then Owen asked about you and me and I was interested to see what you would say. I never imagined…”

“What Jack?”

“That you’d be so causal about this…”

Ianto actually laughed out loud at that. 

“You are kidding me right? You’re Mr. Non-Committal! Suddenly you’re shocked at me for being causal?”

“I thought when I came back that things we’re going to be different?”

“Well. You’ve not exactly made a huge effort. We’ve been on what? One date? That ended in a weevil chase around Cardiff and a quick shag against the SUV. Look at us Jack! Nothing is different from before! We work, we have sex, we go to sleep, we wake up again and do it all over. I don’t mind that Jack, that’s the point. Its easy, its simple, its…” 

“Not a relationship…” 

Ianto pulled his tie free form his collar and threw it onto the coffee table, suddenly tired. It’d been a long ass few days, and this dull and repetitive conversation was starting to get on his nerves. 

“What if I don’t want that?”

It was so quiet Ianto nearly missed it.

“What?”

Jack raised his voice and stood. 

“What if I don’t want that, Ianto. What if I want a relationship. I’m sorry if I let this get away from me again, I didn’t want it to be how it was before. I want us to be real.” He took Ianto’s hands into his softly. “And at that warehouse, I was so scared you were hurt, and he pointed that gun…” he took a deep breath. “I think I realised it isn’t causal for me. That’s why Gwen’s words hit so hard, she poked a sore spot I didn’t know I had.”

“Jack….”

“Say you’ll try. Say… we can try and make this more than just casual sex. Please.”

Ianto’s shoulders slumped, and he let himself be brought in for a hug. 

“We can try… I just don’t see what’s changed.”

“I have.” He kissed Ianto’s lips quickly. “I want this.” He kissed him again, this time longer. “I want you.” 

He framed Ianto’s face with his hands and brought him in for a bruising kiss, within moments they were up against the wall to the kitchen, grappling at clothes and suits and flies. After a few minutes Ianto pulled back, resting his head on Jacks. 

“God… you confuse the hell out of me.” 

Jack grinned, their lips brushing against each other with every word. 

“Would you have It any other way?”

Ianto didn’t get a chance to answer, he tried not to think too hard as Jack dragged him towards the bedroom at the back of the flat. He tried not to let his doubts about Jack’s sincerity ruin a nice moment, because he wanted to believe Jack meant it all, he really did. He wanted to let himself go and fall head first into the rush of Jack Harkness. But somewhere deep down he knew he never could, because the pain would always outweigh whatever sweet talk Jack put forward. For now at least, he let himself get lost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I wasn't going to post this second part. After I posted the first chapter I wasn't sure if this fit in with that story, but I think I like it as an epilogue. I think they needed to talk it out after what Jack overheard at the pub. It was fun to play around with the 'post meat' scenarios. I always have 3 or 4 bouncing around my head at any one time. Either way, I hope you enjoyed this one, thanks for reading :D


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